13th March 2016 | Books
Harry owned a little card shop down the city’s most popular high street.
He had cards for all sorts of occasions: birthdays, get well soons, well done on your exams, commiserations for your exams, happy birthday in hospital and it’s a shame that you didn’t actually have time to do your exams… all sorts. Anyway, he wasn’t getting any customers, despite the fact that hundreds of thousands of people walked past his diddy shop every day.
Also, he was lonely because he didn’t have a girlfriend. He wasn’t desperate, no, he just really wanted a girlfriend badly because he was so alone: not desperate.
One day, he was bored of having no customers that he decided to take an unexpected but understandable break. He didn’t have to worry about any of the staff telling the manager about his departure because he was the only member of staff. Nor did he have to worry about the manager having a go at him because he was the manager. So, he shut up the shop and took a stroll around the town, admiring the architecture and breathing in the fresh air, letting his mind relax.
Harry had never been calmer. He thought that he’d treat himself and buy a nice sandwich and croissant from one of the local bakeries, but because business was… whats the opposite of booming… well… that… he couldn’t afford much so he settled just buying the packaging of the sandwich to get the essence of having lunch. He found a nice bench next to the river, a lovely spot to sit and have some lunch… but before he could perch his little bottom on the bench, something caught his eye.
It was another card shop, ran buy some little woman, and everybody was buying…
13th March 2016 | Books
Sarah was six and a half years old when she came to the conclusion that when she grew up she would become a protector of the universe.
That may sound a little bit far fetched, but if you throw a stick, a dog will go and chase it no matter what it goes through. Sarah, however, wasn't a dog. She was a real person. And if you throw a stick and expect a person to go and run for it then, well, that person will run but away from you as you are obviously a social outcast.
Sarah’s first step into becoming a protector of the universe was to learn how to build a spaceship. However, because she was very young and not very rich, the only materials she could source were part of a toy spaceship building kit. Also, due to uptight legal reasons in the UK, it was in fact illegal for her to build a working vehicle that actually transported her to outer space. That said, practice makes perfect and if she ever did get questioned by the police for building a working spaceship then she could just say “Oh sorry, I didn’t know! I wont do it again, I promise” and then instantly get away with it.
That is how you get away with stuff - it’s kind of common knowledge (side note: the life lesson this week is NOT to break the law. I repeat, NOT to break the law. So don’t do it! Okay? Good).
Anyway, Sarah spent years working on her spaceship, she even skipped her SATs exams in year six so she could finish it (side note: the life lesson this week is NOT to miss your exams. Seriously, don’t do that as that will literally bugger up…
12th March 2016 | Books
Life wasn’t all that nice for Kelly.
She was homeless and had lived on the streets of Hollywood for nearly two years after her ex kicked her out.
To be fair on him, she was extremely irritating and demanding and he was paying for the house anyway.
You see, the problem with Kelly was the fact that she was one of those people who considers themselves to be creative but never gets anything done. She assured her partner at the time (not that she has one now or had ever had one before) that she would one day get her big break with her script that she had been working on for God knows how many years and the biggest names in Hollywood would direct it, be in it, and it would win every single Oscar nomination of the year of its release AND, this is the last one I promise, it would make so much money that the two of them would never have to worry about working ever again. However good this proposal sounds is made redundant by the fact that she would repeat this to him on a daily basis but would instead sit in her office doing absolutely nothing.
Supposedly waiting for the right idea to come knocking on her door.
So, after years of slowly losing faith in her, Kelly’s boyfriend kicked her out. For the last two years, she never knew if she would have food or shelter and relied on donations of the public as well as if she could arrive in time at the homeless shelter to bagsy a bed. She spent most nights in a cereal box. This whole experience was a complete shock for Kelly, who completely lost all interest in writing…