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Life Lessons: Sarah - Protector Of The Universe

Roman Armstrong writes about Sarah and her life goal to be the protector of the universe...

Life Lessons: Sarah - Protector Of The Universe

Roman Armstrong

W!ZARD News Author

Sarah was six and a half years old when she came to the conclusion that when she grew up she would become a protector of the universe.

That may sound a little bit far fetched, but if you throw a stick, a dog will go and chase it no matter what it goes through. Sarah, however, wasn't a dog. She was a real person. And if you throw a stick and expect a person to go and run for it then, well, that person will run but away from you as you are obviously a social outcast.

Sarah’s first step into becoming a protector of the universe was to learn how to build a spaceship. However, because she was very young and not very rich, the only materials she could source were part of a toy spaceship building kit. Also, due to uptight legal reasons in the UK, it was in fact illegal for her to build a working vehicle that actually transported her to outer space. That said, practice makes perfect and if she ever did get questioned by the police for building a working spaceship then she could just say “Oh sorry, I didn’t know! I wont do it again, I promise” and then instantly get away with it.

That is how you get away with stuff - it’s kind of common knowledge (side note: the life lesson this week is NOT to break the law. I repeat, NOT to break the law. So don’t do it! Okay? Good).

Anyway, Sarah spent years working on her spaceship, she even skipped her SATs exams in year six so she could finish it (side note: the life lesson this week is NOT to miss your exams. Seriously, don’t do that as that will literally bugger up the rest of your life. Unless they’re SATs because SATs are easier than life).

However, all of her hard work failed as she realised her area of expertise wasn't in DIY. After all, Sarah didn’t want to be a spaceship builder; she wanted to be a protector of the universe! However, seeing as she was now in secondary school, she decided that it was probably best to have an education whilst it was being offered to her and come back to protecting the universe at another time.

After 5 years in secondary school, she left with7A*s, 2As and a B in her GCSEs. She then went on to do her A-Levels and left two years later with 3A*s in all the sciences. Then she went to Cambridge University and obtained a Bachellor’s degree in engineering.

Unfortunately, Sarah hated every step of the way. Yes, she was getting the grades that she needed to accomplish her mission, but that was down to a lot of bloody hard work that, to her, could have been spent on something more useful. You see, Sarah had almost every qualification she needed to finally reach her dream until she found out that, to become an astronaut let alone the protector of the universe, she also required 1,000 hours of training in a jet aircraft and the ability to pass a NASA space physical programme. That meant, despite all the hard work she had done, it wasn't enough.

It was nearly 20 years since she promised herself that she would one day become the protector of the universe, yet Sarah had lost all of her hope and pretty much forgotten why she dreamt such a stupid dream in the first place. After leaving Cambridge, she went to stay at her parents house until she could find somewhere else to live. It was quite weird sleeping in my old bedroom, she used to think to herself.

The bed was too small for starters. Because of this, she bought a new bed. WHY NOT? Let the woman treat herself once in a while for heavens sake. However, to put the new bed in, she had to get the old one out. After a lot of pushing and heaving and shoving and towing, she managed to move the old thing, but she something stopped her from taking it all the way out of the room.

For under the bed, she found the spaceship that she made 15 or so years earlier. It was awful, I mean, the wings were on the completely wrong part and the cock pit was a shambles. But the look of the thing didn’t bother Sarah.

The spaceship actually made her realise what being the protector of the universe really meant. It didn’t mean having degrees that let you go to space, it didn’t mean working really hard at school or not breaking the law. It meant protecting the people around, the place where you live, and, most importantly, the memories that you have created.

For the universe wouldn’t be the same without them. The end.

Life Lessons is taken from Roman Armstrong's weekly radio show, click here to listen on demand.


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