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Life Lessons: Scarlett and the Journey to Meatballs

Roman Armstrong writes about Scarlett and the long lengths she goes to make meatballs...

Life Lessons: Scarlett and the Journey to Meatballs

Roman Armstrong

W!ZARD News Author

Scarlett was scrolling on her phone one day, reading through all of the boring, uninteresting, repetitive, dumb posts that her so called friends decided were important enough to point out on the internet.

She had been doing this for a good half a day, with no breaks for eating or excreting, and had decided that enough had been enough. Now was the time to get off her bottom and off of her phone and into the kitchen to make some food.

However, some may deem this as a coincidence, but just before she pressed the off button on her portable device, a post came up from one of those cooking pages.

It was one of their really annoying videos of a birds eye view of some hands preparing some food with lots of jump cuts and ukulele music and culminating in them producing a mediocre dish and some guy going “oh yes!” but not like Churchill the dog who said “oh yes!” in an interesting way, mainly because he was a dog, but this voice was annoying and American and the guy kind of laughed when he said it even though he wasn’t being funny.

Idiot.

Anyway, Scarlett was fooled by the video she had watched and decided that she would actually attempt to make the depicted meal. It was spaghetti and meatballs but the meatballs had a bit of mozzarella in them so they were supposed to be cooler.

Not.

Unfortunately she was thinking with her stomach, not her brain, for when she went into the kitchen she discovered that she had none of the right ingredients to work with in order to make these meatballs.

She had some ready meals in the freezer but that wasn’t good enough for her. Her mind was set on these cheesy meatballs, no matter how long it would take her to make.

She settled that she would venture down to the shops and purchase all the necessary ingredients. However, she had no money. Living with her parents, you’d expect that young Scarlett would know where they hid the money in the house, but her relationship wasn’t very good with them after… well… after she killed them and put the bodies on display because they wouldn’t tell her where the money was.

This sensation was new to Scarlett but also quite invigorating. Because she had no money to buy the necessary meat, she resorted to death. She got her knife, went down to her local farm, killed the farmer and searched for the cows until she found one good enough to eat.

Eventually, she came upon one, who she didn’t kill because having to lug a whole cow back home would’ve been a hefty job; she does have some common sense. So she sat on the back of that cow and giddy-upped all the way home.

Back in the kitchen, she prepared all of the herbs and spices, turned on the slow-cooker and got the board ready for chopping up the meat. She went out to the garden to get the cow, she raised her cleaver up in the air, ready to hack away, but was greeted by the most innocent eyes she had ever seen… since she killed her mum.

There and then, she decided that she wouldn’t kill this cow, and would let it go free because murder is wrong.

She also decided to waste not want not as she had already prepared the rest of the meatballs and if she left her parents on display any longer they’d begin to smell. So she minced them up and popped them in the cooker.

All in all, the dish was very nice.

But she still felt guilty for everything that she had done so she set up a charity to stop making people resort to murder in order to knock up a dish that they saw on a video online.

I suppose that, if we can learn anything from this story, it is that you shouldn’t trust everything you see on the internet.

Life Lessons is taken from Roman Armstrong's weekly radio show, click here to listen on demand.

 

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